5 Places You Might Get in a Fight on Black Friday


Nothing says "holiday spirit" like beating the crap out of someone to get a chance to shell out 100 bucks for the last Tickle Me Darth Vader. But hey, this is 'Murica and that's what we do, and if you don't like it, I might kick your ass too. Hey, that last line is a poem!

You have to respect a holiday whose traditions include: cutting down beautiful, healthy trees to stick in buckets of water in our living rooms as they die a slow death; getting drunk at company business parties and exchanging awkward Secret Santa gifts with people you don't like; and of course, the classic fistfight in the parking lot of a big-box retail store at 4:30 in the morning while nursing a hangover from the all-day feedbag that is Thanksgiving Day.

That's right, we're talking about Black Friday: the zombie apocalypse of consumer retail shopping, the kick in the pants from a steel-toed boot of public holiday outings, the day that makes the Grinch and the Krampus in all of us come out to play in the worst way possible. Here are the likely places you might get into it on Black Friday:


Walmart

Walmart's Thanksgiving Shopping EventsAP/Invision for Walmart

We're starting with the obvious: Walmart. Why obvious? C'mon, you've been to Walmart. The chances of getting in a fight on ANY given trip to Walmart are a solid 50/50 proposition, but when we throw in holiday cheer, discounted Sesame Street characters, and half-price store brand flat-screen TVs, then you know this party is going to get rowdy. If you don't already own them, my advice to you is to head straight for the sporting goods section to get outfitted with a bicycle helmet, knee and elbow pads, boxing gloves, and some sort of swingable (hockey stick, tennis racket, baseball bat?) weapon that can be used in tight spaces.


Target

Target CEO Brian Cornell at Jersey City TargetAP Images for Target

Target is kind of like Walmart's sister who eventually stopped smoking so much pot, switched from Busch beer to moderately priced red wine, and actually did finish her college degree. Unfortunately, she's traded her sweatpants for yoga pants, mom and dad's couch for one from IKEA, and her elbows for a sense of hybrid SUV entitlement. In other words, Target has arrived, and the people who will be shopping there have too. Park in the back of the lot so you don't scratch your Jag, but be prepared to get run over on the way to the doors by either an Escalade or the driver of an Escalade pushing a 400 lb. stroller.


Best Buy

Holiday Shopping Three Reasons For Cautious Spending
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What do you get when you combine dad jeans, minivans with the seats folded down for maximum storage capacity, and slashed prices on every type of electronic gizmo, gadget, and man-cave staple known to human kind? The answer is chaos. You will get punched for a laptop, you will get elbowed in the ribs for a home theater speaker set, and your new name will be "asshole" if you don't get out of the way. Best Buy on Black Friday is like Lord of the Rings; massive armies of middle earth residents all clamoring for one deal to rule them all.


Home Depot

Black Friday Shoppers Look For Holiday BargainsGetty Images​​​​​​​


As if the promise of saving money on a leaf blower, wheelbarrow, or chainsaw wasn't enough to incite a feeding frenzy at your local big box hardware store, we're going to throw in some good old fashioned testosterone. There will be fist bumps, chest bumps, and probably truck bumper bumps, especially if that truck yer parkin' here ain't from America! We need drills, saws, rakes, lawn mowers ... lots and lots of lawn mowers, lawn mowers for EVERYONE!


Starbucks

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It was hard not to incorporate an establishment into this list that serves alcohol, but if you try to go to Starbucks on Black Friday, there is a 99.9% chance that you are drunk already, because that place is going to be a madhouse. I can't think of a time that I've gone to Starbucks and not come close to fighting someone. Granted, I've only been there twice in my life because the very idea of Starbucks makes me want to fight people, but I digress. I know you love the double mocha Frappucino, but on November 26, you're probably going to pay for it with the blood of a surly, frustrated shopper.

Be safe out there. Wear a helmet, pack pepper spray and non-perishable food items. Also, don't forget to kiss your loved ones. A lot of you are going shopping, but not all of you are coming back.

Drew likes shopping online because he values his health and well-being. He plans on staying safe on Black Friday and hopes you do, too.