The 15 best-worst foods in Kansas City


Sometimes it just feels good to eat bad, and Kansas City can hook you up when it comes to artery clogging, stomach churning, hangover slaying meals. In this weight watchers program, you can watch yourself gain weight. Save the salad for tomorrow, because this tour is all about big and bad, hold the guilt. One thing you won't have to hold is the admission that everything on this list is damn good and belongs on every list of "just don't give a damn" meals in Kansas City.

Port Fonda's Chimichanga
Even though the chimi of the day seems to always be the same damn thing (chicken, corn, poblano cream sauce), the same damn really creamy, flavorful, hunger-crushing plate of the best Mexican food in KC is a good reason to wear sweatpants and start that diet tomorrow. It doesn't hurt that Port Fonda is rocking some of the best margaritas in town, since we decided not to care about calories today.

Pigwich's Cheesesteak
The sheer amount of tender beef and cheese sauce in Pigwich's cheesesteak is probably enough to warrant a reservation at the cardiologist in the next several days, but the local roll is the perfect grease sponge and the creamy spicy seasoned sauce is like the icing on the meat cake. It should probably be illegal to eat more than one of these a month, but if that's being wrong, well, you know the rest.

Bier Station's Disco Fries
They're called disco fries. If I need to say anything else, you don't deserve to know. However, I will allow that they involve pork gravy, bacon and beer-cheese. They come sprinkled with green onion too, so they're basically a salad, right?

Westport Flea Market's Patty Melt
The Flea is a dive and a half, but they churn out some damn tasty bar food. The patty melt is the king of the menu though. It's that kind of patty melt where you have to hold it perfectly horizontal over the plate or you'll wind up with grease running down your arms. It's everything a patty melt should be though. The bread is grilled so it's greasy on the inside and the outside, the onions and cheese fuse together into a sauce, and the beef is definitely not a lean grind.

Rockstar Burger's Chili Cheese Tots
Have you ever thought to yourself, "I sure would love a mountain of fried shredded potatoes covered in melted cheese and the kind of chili that has been cooking so long and low that it practically melts?" Yeah, me too. Luckily I found Rockstar, and you can too anytime you want, because they serve food 24 hours a day.

Town Topic's Broadway Omelet
The ultimate breakfast conundrum: Should I get bacon, ham or sausage as my side? The answer is YES at Town Topic. The Broadway has all the meats. It also has extra cheese. I don't know what extra constitutes, but they probably needed a second cow to produce that milk. If you're having trouble picturing it, this breakfast bomb is approximately the size of a pillow, which you may need after consuming one.

Up-Down's Mac and Cheese Pizza
Slices of Up-Down's mac and cheese pizza have been rumored to weigh 37 pounds each. It not only has a separate cheese sauce from the actual mac and cheese sauce, but it has cheese on top of that. Oh, and bacon too, because 40 is too ambitious of an age to try to live to. But it's sooooooo good though.

Maloney's Pork Tender Sandwich
Most bars have one of these, but there is something about the pork tender (that's what they call it) at Maloney's that sets it apart, especially on a DGAF list. There are two things about this sandwich that matter more than anything else. First, it is served on a massive bun that soaks up anything and everything. Second, the porky goodness is always about twice the size of the bun. Eating this entire sandwich should come with a medal, but knowing you have taken in enough calories to hibernate will have to do.

Rye's Fried Chicken and Ham Gravy
Rye has the best fried chicken I've ever eaten. This isn't about Kansas City food, or Kansas City fried chicken in any way. This is about chicken that has been fried and smothered with ham gravy. HAM GRAVY. Pigs and chickens in perfect harmony.

Stroud's Fried Chicken Livers and Gizzards
Stroud's is fried chicken royalty, but the livers and gizzards are like the old king who watches quietly from the castle window. In other words, they're always there and they will treat you right if you pay your dues. There is a metric crap-ton of these on the plate, they are mostly bite sized so you don't have to think about what and how much you are eating quite so much, and they reheat perfectly in a hot pan so you could legitimately eat the whole order in a 24 hour period.

Heirloom Bakery's Salted Oatmeal Cream Pie
Salt, sugar and fat are the things that we crave as humans. They are the crack of the culinary world. It is a travesty to call Heirloom's creation an oatmeal cream pie unless you give the disclaimer that it is nothing like that chunk of monkey poo that your mom used to pack in your lunch in elementary school.

Grinders' Chili Bomb Pizza
Pizza is bad for you. Tater tots covered in chili and cheese are bad for you. Do two wrongs make a right? Grinders doesn't care and that's when you get a pizza with a mountain of chili cheese tater tots as a topping. You should probably be drunk for this one, but Grinders can help you with that too.

Free State Brewery's Fish and Chips
Fish and Chips is food's answer to the question of whether you want your main course or your side dish to be fried. Yes. Yes, I would like my whole plate fried. Luckily, flaky fish and golden potatoes are the result. Free State makes beautiful beers as well, so grab a plate and a pint and enjoy.

The Peanut's Triple BLT with a fried egg
Cholesterol is your friend if you frequent this KC staple. While you can get a BLT anywhere, you can't always get the entire farm on one plate. The Peanut makes it possible with their ode to the ultimate barnyard culinary throw down.

Waldo Pizza's BFD (Breakfast for Dinner) Pizza
I don't want to pick on pizza, but a pie with maple breakfast sausage and alfredo sauce is just too much to ignore. You shouldn't ignore it though, because the Local Pig sausage and Waldo Pizza love combined are just too much to not pay attention to, even if it means buying a bigger belt.



Drew has been filling his face with the best worst food Kansas City has to offer for over 20 years and nutritionists be damned, plans on continuing the quest.