Eat, drink and pretend you like baseball on opening day in Kansas City

You don't have to like baseball to enjoy baseball season, and no party in Kansas City kicks ass like opening day. Even if you didn't pony up for a ticket, you can still have a killer time, get boozy, make new friends and watch the Royals do their city proud while you do baseball watching, even if you don't like baseball, proud as well.

Tailgate like a boss
KC Crew is a local sports league, sort of, as long as you count things like bocce ball, corn hole and karaoke as sports. They do have some more traditional social sports though like kickball, dodgeball and flag football. No matter how you view their liberal use of the word "sports" there is no doubt that these mofos like to party, play and then party some more. In fact, most of the things KC Crew is involved in is basically just a big ass party where some sports break out. Royals' opening day is no exception. The baseball starts at 3:15, but these nutjobs start the party at 9:30 in the morning. That's not criticism on my part, that's admiration. After meeting at No Other Pub in KC's Power and Light District, the party heads to Kauffman Stadium. The bar provides the food, while the liquor comes from Tito's and the beer from KC's own Big Rip. KC Crew gets in on the hosting act by doing more than just drinking, as they bring the yard games to the parking lot. Finally, the Royals' return to kicking ass in the American League starts.

Buy the pimp tickets
The Diamond Club is the place to be if you're actually going to the game. It is the pimp seat section. It may not be a luxury box, but those are like unicorns at Kauffman; I'm not sure they really exist and I've sure as hell never seen one. The K is one of the most beautiful stadiums in all of baseball and the Diamond Club is a great way for us minions to enjoy some of the good life on a used Cadillac budget. The Diamond Club seats are considered some of, if not the best, views in the entire stadium. While you watch the Royals spank the boys from out west, your Diamond Club seat attendant will happily bring you any food or adult beverage available. If it gets better than being waited on at a live baseball game than I'm a — wait, it doesn't get better.

Cater your own badass party
You could look over the menu, peruse the catering menu, try to figure out how many of this to get and how many servings that side dish will serve and how much guacamole is enough. However, I'm going to save you the trouble and the risk of screwing up your opening day party. The only thing you need to know is Port Fonda's catering email address and this: "El Comedor." El Comedor is Port Fonda's roasted bone-in pork butt that can be ordered in multiple packages, but no matter how it gets there or what it comes with, is guaranteed to take all the worry out of your opening day food fest. The Royals are going to take care of business, and Port Fonda is always going to take care of business, so don't come out like a chump with that crockpot shit. Make the call to the bullpen for El Comedor, crack a frosty barley pop and enjoy.

Rent a damn pedal cab and do a 9 bars in 9 innings pub crawl
Pedal Hopper is a goofy ass name that could not be more accurate. I've seen this thing in action, and the only guarantees are that everyone on board will have a goofy ass grin on their face, and that despite the rules about not having alcohol on board, everyone will be slightly goofy on the sauce as they cruise from bar to bar. All you have to do is pedal though, as Pedal Hopper provides a driver. For the real challenge, get the Pedal Hopper to a neighborhood like Brookside/Waldo in KC that has a large number of bars close together and see if you can pull off a 9 bars in 9 innings extravaganza. Watch out for double plays and 1-2-3 innings, or you'll be chugging that double gin and tonic, champ. That's OK though, because you can count on KC to smack the ball around the field, giving you time to finish your drink and get ready for the sprint to the next bar between innings. The only real question is whether extra innings is a good or bad thing.

Drew has been playing, watching, cheering for and loving baseball for his entire life and will share KC's best baseball game day fun with anyone who knows the words to "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."