Eat, drink, and pretend you like baseball on Padres' opening day in San Diego

Oh, what's that? The closest you've come to being an actual baseball fan is making an ill-timed "Who's on first?" joke during your company's last disaster of a planning session? Welcome to the club: We text each other every 20 minutes to gripe about how many innings there are. And we do shots during the seventh inning stretch, so get ready pony up for a round of double tequilas because newbies always buy. The San Diego home opener at Petco Park is on April 7th against the Giants in 2017, and you don't have to give a crap about who's bunting and who's walking or other baseball words to have a good time.

Drinking Nearby
san diego sep 28  2014  the...shutterstock

The San Diego Trolley isn't good for much, but deliver you to the Gaslamp it can. You can also park in Tailgate Park, at Horton Plaza, or at the cheapest option — the 707 Broadway Garage. But then you'd have to designate a driver. And like any good Padres fan, you'll get a buzz on before the first pitch on opening day because there is a 70 percent chance they will rip your heart out by the time the season is over.

Listen to the pre-game commentary from the radio on each table at Bub's at the Ballpark or scarf down a churro waffle at the Blind Burro. I hear some of the other bars start with letters other than "B" but I can't confirm. If you get lost trying to fit in, just start yelling about Matt Kemp, and you'll be accepted into the fair-weather fan club that is a crowd of Padres ticket holders in no time.

Eating at Petco Park
When they built Petco Park it's like they knew we would get so tired of watching the team lose we would want to stuff our faces the entire time. If you have but one thing to gorge out on while you're nodding along to your friend's assessment of substitute pitchers, make it the ribs and macaroni salad from Phil's BBQ. Or go to Friar Frank's for a gigantic soft pretzel — you do you. There's only one thing to wash all that down with, and it's a slab of ice cream between two cookies from Baked Bear. All in all you have more than a dozen restaurant choices, so you can go HAM if you really feel like it.

Avoiding the Stadium

A post shared by Jones (@jonesrulez) on

Scalping is illegal in these parts, ya hear? Not that it stops everyone, but when a game is sold out you might be SOL. Or maybe you're not that into opening day so you just want to dip your toe in the water, so to speak. Mosey over to ALTITUDE Sky Lounge and drank yourself silly while you sit around the fire pit and watch fly balls in the distance. The aptly named Fairweather also offers primo views of the park without the price of admission.

Speak the Language
Want to fit in? Aside from what I have gathered is a profound distaste for the aforementioned Matt Kemp, I can offer a few observations for fellow "fake it till you make it" fans. We hate The A's, we know we're about to get swept like the aftermath of a kegger, and if you come for the memory of Tony Gwynn WE WILL COME FOR YOU.

Lara Vukelich is a freelance writer in San Diego who likes ballpark peanuts and doesn't understand why home runs don't count for three points.